I finally met a beautiful, snarky, amazingly smart woman, and I blew it. It's hurting more and more each day.
Allow me to issue a soliloquy, sir. Perhaps you will like what you read. I will endeavor to avoid pontificating and will insert definitions in a few places to ensure the utmost clarity.
I met my girlfriend a year before we started our relationship. She had another relationship going shortly after we met and after it ended we started talking more. I never consiously thought of waiting for her or anything. I just enjoyed talking to her so I kept in touch. Eventually, I realized we were talking every day and we should maybe make it a little more official. Now we’ve been together for just over a year and I couldn’t be happier.
The point*, I suppose, is that you don’t have to just give up on her.
*The focus or topic of discussion. Something that is lacking insofar.
WAIT FOR HER.
I did that once, too. WIthout a doubt, it was the most fucked up pseudo-relationship of my entire life. She wasn’t the bad guy either. I tried to make her one to get rid of our connection, but after time, I’ve realized it wasn’t her fault. Not entirely. We both used and were used a little. I consciously made bad decisions that left me waiting for her to need someone to take her to the movies or something. I was conciously choosing to be her Shoulder To Cry On*, and brother, it was a shitty gig. I had to eventually realize that it would never happen. We just didn’t click romantically. And now that I know the true meaning of the word click when used to describe two people, I know that it was truly an pointless effort to force it to work.
* A person who is the designated individual to comfort another. Reknowned as a poor activity, ie - “A shitty gig.” when used as a way to stay close to another.
I wish now that I had seen that earlier and had taken advantage of that great potential for a friendship. But now, there is way too much pain in the air for us to enjoy being together. Just can’t be that way. I talked to her about a year and a half ago last, she looked me up and we had coffee. It was almost like it used to be. but at the end of the day in the parking lot, we both agreed that we couldn’t do this. It was rare moment of honesty for both of us. Nobody was mad or hurt. Just done. A social arc that had reached its end point, never having had a hope of making a full circle. I don’t even have her number anymore.
It’s sad and unfair.*
*A phrase used to describe life and love - Sometimes used ironically.
But I learned so much.
Here it is, I found it. This is the point. Jump in. Do. Fuck up and ruin your social life for the forseeable future. Build up some regrets. Life isn’t going to rememeber these problems and eventually you will either twist these events into a positive experience through therapy and drug treatment or you will actually learn from them and see that you were a little too stupid to know any better. Being terrified of the consequences, while not always a bad thing, doesn’t let you explore that many possibilities.
I think we’re close to the same age my man, life ain’t over yet. It burns right now, but give it some time and learn to take a step back from yourself occasionally. Perspective is everything.* Right now, you see what is in front of your face. It’s going to hang there in your mind and everything you see is stained by it like wearing colored glasses. You aren’t dead. You aren’t even bleeding. That ache in your chest is just a tiny sliver of a heart attack induced by stress hormones. That means you’re still alive. Embrace that, because it means you still have a chance to find some happiness. Without pain, what proof do you have that you’re alive?